Trauma Bonding
For many it seems completely bewildering that an individual would stay in an abusive relationship or familial situation, or how they even seem to ‘love’ them. Trauma-bonding is one of those many reasons to not leave...
What is trauma bonding?
A trauma bond is the connection between the perpetrator and the victim and is a common psychological response to abuse. The victim feels emotionally connected and attached to the perpetrator and can often mistake this for love. It is akin Stockholm syndrome which is also common between a captive and their captivator. This is seen in all types of abusive relationships including intimate and familial.
How does it happen?
Trauma bonding occurs when a victim is subject to periods of abuse with ‘nice’ moments (see cycle of abuse) they may believe that the abuse is somehow their fault and they learn to associate abuse with love, so it becomes their normal. Isolation plays a huge role in this (see what happens next) as the victim believes that the perpetrator is the only person they can depend on and as such seek support and comfort from them, even if it is them that has caused the hurt.
Attachment theory is also important to consider here, as humans we are programmed to survive and so we build attachments to our care givers in order to do so and often, our care givers are the perpetrators. This is particularly true of children who are abused by their parents/care givers but also extends to intimate relationships as victims are usually dependant on the perpetrator emotionally, physically and financially. So, on one hand you could say that it is in fact an unconscious survival technique.
Signs of trauma bonding
Here are some common behaviours you may see or feel:
· Making excuses for the perpetrators behaviour or covering it up
· Isolating themselves in order to protect the perpetrator
· Becoming defensive when people try to interfere (even professionals)
· Being unwilling to leave the perpetrator or situation
· Taking the blame for the abuse
· Believing they are to blame for the abuse
(Medical News Today, 2020)
This trauma bond is often why victims feel that they are in love with their perpetrator and why leaving them can feel like they are grieving. But this is not love, it is the result of continuous manipulation and psychological abuse.
Sometimes the trauma bond is so extreme that even when the victim is in serious danger, they stay. There are of course many reasons why one does not leave but the trauma bond is often a huge element because the victim feels connected to the perpetrator, they feel responsible for their actions and believe it is normal. There are sometimes occasions where professionals will place protection order restrictions on the victim themselves to protect them because they are in such severe danger, but often it doesn’t work.
However, the positive news is you can break a trauma bond. Please see the ‘how to support’ and ‘the after’ for more information.
References
Zoppi, L. (2020) “What is trauma bonding?” Medical News Today. Available at: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/trauma-bonding#breaking-the-bond (Accessed 2022)