The cycle of abuse

Many people notice a pattern of behaviour that seems to be repeat itself, for me it was certainly a lightbulb moment of clarity. It’s a pattern that you will find in all different types of abusive relationships, during post-separation abuse and even toxic friendships.

Phase 1 – The ‘nice/normal phase’

Often referred to as the 'honeymoon' phase this is when perpetrators are ‘nice’ and often this is how they are when you first meet them, though this doesn't mean it only occurs in the beginning. If the relationship is already established this is when they just seem 'normal'.

They seem kind, loving and caring, an all-round good person. (This is also the person they show to everyone else). They may shower you in compliments and gifts, be super helpful, attentive and affectionate. In this phase the relationship will seem super normal and may be everything you wish for it to be.

Later on this will be the stage that you long for and the one that makes all the others incredibly confusing. This is also where you make excuses for the other phases and behaviour because you 'know' that they can be nice so the bad things that happen must be a consequence for something you've done, or they had a bad day, are suffering from mental distress or commonly an addiction that 'makes' them do it.

Phase 2 – The tension build up

Then suddenly, something changes, you feel a shift in energy and mood. You aren’t really sure why, but something feels not right. You wonder perhaps if they are having a bad day, perhaps you did something wrong? Your body’s stress response is activated, and you start to feel on edge, you’re expecting something bad to happen.

This phase may come with silent treatment and dismissive or often quite unusual behaviours, if the attacks are usually physical, this may be built up to with small verbal attacks beforehand. (Note here how incredibly receptive your body is to changes in your environment, always listen to your gut!)

Phase 3 – Explosion

And bam, there it is!

What your gut predicted would happen, happens. This explosion may come as a physical or verbal attack and although you were half expecting it, it can still be a big shock. It can be quite quick and sometimes prolonged.

Sometimes this phase can come randomly, though when you are aware of this cycle you'll usually be able to look back and see some warning signs, albeit sometimes small.

Phase 4 – The ‘sorry’ or reconciliation

The attack ends and the perpetrator may be extremely apologetic, they can’t believe they behaved that way and they’d had a bad day; it’ll never happen again. OR they may completely dismiss it and refuse to talk about it, pretend that it never happened (this is an example of gaslighting) and deny it until the end of eternity. This is the weird inbetween where you feel completely lost and think "what the f**k just happened?"

Either way you are in a complete sense of shock, emotionally and physically drained from the surges of adrenaline and at this time it’s quite normal for you to want to seek comfort from them, especially if you have been isolated from your support network.

And then, you return to phase 1 and repeat the process again.

Never mind the psychological damage this does, the physical is enough and by this, I mean the state of stress it places upon your brain and your nervous system that works tirelessly to prepare your body to respond to danger. Long-term stress can have disastrous effects on this system, but that is for another time.

How long does this last for you may be thinking?

The truth is it’s happening throughout the entire relationship, though in my experience it often starts off quite slow with long periods between each phase that speed up over time. I also believe each phase (and subsequent abuse) gets worse especially if they feel a sense of resistance from you. This cycle is what keeps you there, amongst other things of course, and each phase has a very important role to fulfil.

I hope this helps to make some sort of sense to what you've experienced or are experiencing. You may also find this cycle continues even after you have ended the relationship, see 'post-separation abuse' for more information.